Lost Parody - Hanso Strikes Back

[TheZealot]

Ok I Started this on the General Discussion thread, but now it's starting to take shape.... Anyone want to help me write a Lost Paraody? Here's the contribution list and script. Please help. My plan is to get with friends and shoot a parody using the script created here and post it on the site.... Anyone wanna have some fun? Please contribute and tell me what you think so far... Jon

Try to keep suggestions simple I don't have a budget.... so explosions and helicopters are out.

Originally Posted by theactordavid , Dreambringer, derboggy , Mr. Smith, Oxnard Montalvo, Darkhorse and TheZealot(compiler)

[TheZealot]

Alvar: Marvin, it's time for a food drop. Our subjects must be getting hungry.

Marvin: I'll arrange it, sir.

Alvar: While you're at it, might be a good time for new appliances. Not the TV's or computers, of course, but a new washer and dryer would be nice. Maybe a side-by-side. What do you think?

Marvin: Sure. And I'll re-salt the "?".

Alvar: Excellent. Excellent. [Waves hand dismissively]

Marvin: [Bows using his two good arms and begins to back away]

Alvar: [said to the air absentmindedly] #2?

Marvin: [stops] Yes #1

Alvar: See if #6 is up to something. Go to the rusted out facility in the middle of the island and remember... NO SMOKING! I hate the way you stink up the hatch and leave your butts everywhere.

Marvin: [bows] Yes sir. Will we be replacing the monitors that have gone out?

Alvar: No. I just spent the last of the budget upgrading all of the stereo equipment in Desmond's hatch. We'll have to wait until next fiscal calendar.

Alvar: And, #2?

Marvin: Yes, #1.

Alvar: I see your arm is better.

Marvin: Yes, #1. A new shipment of serum 4.8.15.16.23.42 came in from Widmore, and this one really works.

Alvar: Excellent. Excellent.


Alvar: [snaps fingers ] Oh yes! And #2?!

Marvin: [Looks at Alvar with love sick puppydog... eye? ] Yes oh ruler of the super secret psudeo-cult?

Alvar: Don't forget to tell the website people to update my photo... I must have a more recent one lying around here. I mean, holy brainwashing batman! That picture was from 1980.

Marvin: Yes sir, right away.

Alvar: Oh and Marvin, before you leave turn off the sun. It costs a fortune to run that thing.

Marvin: Won't the survivors notice the sudden change?

Alvar: They haven't so far.

[TheZealot]

[cut to : interior hatch.]

[Rose doing the laundry. she stands in front of the machines, and then closeup on her scared eyes. It has a knob that adjusts the temperature. you have 4,8,15,16,23,42 and 108 degrees celsius. ]

* for americans who don't know 108 is really hot. 100 c = 212 f
Boiling temp of water. And Europeans spell favorite funny too LOL

Rose: Holy guacamole - i accidently set this thing to 108 - now Hurley's favourite t-shirt is xxs.

[Suddenly she sees Hurley come into the scene naked and holding a jar of Dharma Ranch dressing. Hurley slowly rubs the ranch on his pasty white belly seductively, and says, 'Wake up Libby!' Cut to rose bolting upright in hatch bed.]

Rose: Wow! I new that Dharma cheese had turned. [Cut to rose running to bathroom holding TP emblazend with the swan logo in one hand and the other hand on her belly]

[Meanwhile back on the beach.]

[Nighttime - exterior... a bon fire can be seen in the background. A shadowy figure slowly walks into focus towards camera. It is Sayid.]

Sayid: Gentlemen, I found a cable line running from the ocean, inland. I know I am pretty smart, but I dont think it connected to anything in the water.

Hurley: You know I saw that too, but your right, it CANT be connected to anything in the water.

Jack: You guys are right. When I saw it, all I saw was it going into the Jungle...

Sayid: Oh well must be nothing...

Jack: Just in case maybe we should have someone check it out... I mean I have the Golf tourney next week... and ya know

Hurley: Yeah I'm alphabetizing the albums, so I can't do it.

Sayid: wait maybe I have a solution. [He raises a hand toward the camera; indicating a person off camera.] Hey! You there! Man that I never talk to....

[Cut to a man gathering wood on the beach]

Bob:[points to self incredulously] Bob? My name is Bob.

Sayid: [Looks furtively at Bob] Ah yes, Bob. I need you to do me a favor....

Bob: Um... I don't know... [said sarcastically] I mean, I don't know anything about you. Except... you torture people that don't do what you want.

Sayid: Yes, Bob... that's all you need to know. I need you to check out that cable or I will make the latter part of your last sentence true. Understand?

Bob: [Cowering] Yes Sayid... [Walks down beach in direction of cable]

Charlie:[Said off camera] Gee whiz Sayid... [steps into frame] You wouldn't have tortured him if he didn't do what you say? Would ya?

Sayid: [Narrows eyes angrily and then softens. He turns and walks toward camp]

Charlie:[Calling after] Sayid! [Running after] Come on. Right. You wouldn't have done it, right?!?!?

[In a less funny situation - in a very serious conversation. the camera pans toward the ocean. The moon cascades over the ripples in the water and Desmond walks into camera]

Desmond: Hello there brother. [to jack]

Jack: Where have you been? [whispers: "they know eachother?", "I knew it", "Drink Coca-Cola"]

Hurley: Duude.... Did you hear that... sounded like whispers

Desmond: Shut up you two! I'm talking to Jack. [indicates two "Others" in tatered clothing whispering in each others ear and then laughing. Up til now they were off camera. They stop when scolded]

[to jack]You dont need to know.

Jack: Why not?

Desmond: Has there been a supply drop yet?

Sawyer: [To desmond] Listen here "Bobarino"

[Desomnd fixes 70's like hairstyle as if self conscious]

we already divied up the food, [under breath grabing Desmonds collar] Except the dharmaration h! That's mine! You gotta know what it's like to wipe your butt with leaves for 50 plus days.

[Subconsciously searching with his eyes remembering the accident with the poison ivy]

You need not worry, "Fonzie".

[releases Desmond]

Jack: [Said with prepubescent voicecrack] Sawyer, [clears throat] I got this. We have already taken care...

Desmond: [interupts] I dont care about the bloody food brother, I need to know if there was more vaccine. [Slaps vein like junkie looking for fix]

Jack: Um of course... what's it for?

Desmond : [rubs hands in melodramsatic fashion]
Wouldn't you like to know.
[ Begins hysterical evil genious laughter... chokes.. spits... then laughs some more]

[fade to black with Desmond still laughing then letting out a fart and a quiet "Excuse me" is heard in the darkness]

[TheZealot]

[Daytime exterior Beach - reaching the cable, Bob surveys the scene and decides to investigate.]

Bob: *sigh* 'well, there's the cable. Sayid, Hurley and Jack said that it went into the jungle, but they didn't say anything about it going into the water. I think I'll check it out. I better put on my lucky red shirt to help keep me warm.'

[Bob heads into the water following the cable. As he pulls the cable up suddenly he discovers a nuclear powered mini-sub parked just below the surface.]

Bob: Hooray! we're saved. Wow, I better go tell those guys what's at the end of the cable. We can finally get off this Island!

[As he flips open the hatch to the submarine he steps on a sea urchin. being extermely allergic he colapses face down in the water. With no tention on the cable the mini sub slowly slips back into the ocean.]



[scene opens with a crowd on the beach, surrounding a dead Bob]

Hurley: [scooping a handful of ranch dressing] 'Dude, what happened to him?' [rubs ranch dressing on dharma doughnut and shoves in mouth]

Jack: *breathes* Looks like he drowned. Guess we'll never know what was at the end of that cable.

Passenger 57: Um, Jack... why don't we just follow it into the water as far as we can go... at least up to our waist?

[Suddenly Danielle appears from nowhere]

Danielle:

Jack, the "others" are coming.

[waves for Jack to follow. Jack Drops cable he's been absentmindedly holding begins to follow Danielle up beach talking about the "others"]

Passenger 57:

Um, Jack...

[waves hands in disgust and begins to follow cable and rediscovers mini-sub. Turns to see all of the main characters following Danielle like sheep. He shrugs his shoulders]

Idiots...

[Gets in sub and speeds away ]

[TheZealot]

[exterior hatch: Jack, kate, charlie, hurley, sayid, sawyer, and locke are walking towards the "others" encampment Along the way they begin to talk]

Jack: Tell me about the others, what did you see!

Michael: There was this real skinny guy with a red shirt and a white hat. A really fat dude... who seemed to be in charge... um... and an old couple wearing expensive suits and talked like they were from a bad aristocrat movie... a country girl wearing a little bo peep outfit... and.. ouch - my head... a chick, i think, who looked like a big red haired marilyn monroe transvestite. There was this kind of mcgyver guy..seemed to be the smart one there.

Jack: Uh huh... uh huh. So that's it then..

Michael: Yeah, and they're not armed and I've seen em fight... They punch like girls. Except the girls. They're pretty good, but I think we can take em.

Jack: Even though you've been missing for many days and have given no explaination for your reappearance, I will believe you. Let's go kick some butt weeeee-hah!!! [shoots fingers in air like bandito making shooting sounds]

[Suddenly Passenger 57 rides by on a horse... the same horse that Kate saw before]

Kate: Hey, My horse!!!!

Passenger 57: Your horse? You mean you knew this thing was on the island and you've been walking everywhere... Sheesh you guys are idiots... [gallops off]

Jack: Wow he's really smart!

Sawyer: I'm pretty smart. How about the long con I pulled off getting the guns..

Jack: We have the guns back... so um why'd ya run the con in the first place?

Sawyer: Ummmm uhhhhhh... don't know... but it was a great idea.

Michael: [Stops] We're here.
[Points to what appear to be mongolian Yurts, native to the steps of mongolia.... incidentally no where near Fiji or Austrailia.]

Jack: We'll camp here and attack at night fall [ Slaps a round into a magazine then inserts the magazine into his .40 cal Smith and Wesson ]

[Eko and John call a meeting with the key characters that night]

Jack: [looking confused and unsure of himself] What is it?

John: Eko and I have been having dreams . . . revelations . . you might say.

Sawyer: It's too late Professor, I've already been with Ana Lucia.

Eko: Not your kind of dreams, Sawyer. There was a submarine, just underneath the surface and a .... man.... named Bob .... floating. There was .... a cable .....

John: And we found a hatch with TVs

Hurley: Dude! Does that mean we have cable TV on the island?

Jack: So what does all this mean? So what if you are having dreams?

Eko: We must follow the submarine. It wants us to follow it. Hurley, .... You will find the submarine so we can follow it.

Hurley: But I can't swim!

John: Libby told me in the dream the swiming will help you to lose weight.

Kate: What else about the submarine, Eko? Who was in it? Who was controlling or driving it?

Eko: ......... It was....... Aaron, the baby ........

[TheZealot]

[Exterior Dharma Headquarters -
Hatch doors swing wide and Hanso steps forth wearing black clothing ... looking very much like a sterotypical villian, including, cape, top hat, ruffled shirt, and walking stick with chrome handle - esentially halfway between Liberace and a pimp, but more like Liberace. Two Guards stand to his left and right holding AK-47's. They look like they haven't eaten in days and are about 20 y/o. Alvar walks to middle of frame]

[They salute and yell ]"Hail Hanso"

[#2 emerges behind #1, and taps #1on the shoulder. #2 pantemimes that he needs to go #1. #1 looks irritated and indicates that #2 should hurry. #2 runs left holding it in. Exterior of one of the Yurts. #2 runs past Mr. Friendly knocking him down. Dejected Mr. friendly sits and waits for #2 to finish]

{background sound of water endlessly pouring}

Mr. Friendly: Geez, I'm about to pee my sack-cloth. Hurry up in there already, wouldja?

Voice from inside: Hey, it's that damn vaccine. I'm telling you, Friendly, it goes right through me.

Mr. Friendly: Yeah, yeah, just hurry up already, Candle. And I hope you put the seat up!

Voice from inside: Is that anyway to talk to a one-armed man? I'm doing the best I can.



[Cut to Lostaways formulating their attack plan.]

[Mr. Smith]

:subscribe:

[TheZealot]

Originally Posted by Mr. Smith

:subscribe:

Are you askin? or tellin? ????

[Mr. Smith]

Originally Posted by TheZealot

Are you askin? or tellin? ????

I'm doin'. I wanna be able to come back without looking for it.

[TheZealot]

Originally Posted by theactordavid

First of all, you need help with fractions. I think you got it backwards, and don't make me do a word count. Second, you should have observed that only the Zealot posts in this thread, after he's reviewed submissions from the original thread. Third, it was just wrong taking my stuff and posting with yours, credit or not. And that's all I'm saying.

Deboggy, sorry for the confusion. I made this thread so there would be a clear script... since no one seems to come to this section. It is bad form to take anothers work without their agreement. That's why I posted at the top of the Gen Discussion thread that I reserve the write to alter and such the postings... So everyone right off the bat knows I'm going to rip off their stuff as long as I give them full credit for the submission. And they have proof of the original lines and text and have the right to request changes... but my decision of what goes and what stays in is my call.. so please refrain.... and please delete the lines from theActorDavid in your post or I will ask Doc to remove the post entirely.

Thanks

Jon aka theZealot